Nothing

go and go and don't just


welcome to a very odd and unfamiliar moment.
i don't know exactly how to feel.
i didn't DO anything wrong. word and tone choices were incorrect. but to be honest, i didn't mean anything negative behind it. on my end i was joking. not once did my words mean to hurt or belittle. that's just not me. never has been. i am truly sorry that it was taken that way. but man O man. i never meant for it to manifest into this.

it is just not me.

the second time i just let him leave.
i didn't have it in me to beg him to stay.
i feel like i've been on my knees begging for so long.
i have felt like the fuck up and the unclean whore.

at this point in my life i have forgiven myself. i fucked up, yes. O YES OH YES did i fuck up.
but what is done is done and i have moved past the self induced torture and try and remember who i was before i became a monster.
i never knew it would be this hard.

i am purposely getting fucked up right now.
i haven't been in a while. i've kept my restraint while i have let others do as they please.

i have ALWAYS lived under this energy:
experiment
live
go crazy
have someone's back
know that some one has yours.
work your ass off for everything.

i know he knows this.

after every single emotion spent.
why did you leave?

the double standard i choose to live under would surprise you.
hell is shocks the shit out of me.
i don't seek it out or try and find the negative or crazy.
let me get that straight.
it obvious sometimes. i would be a fool not to recognize when it happens.

tonight was supposed to be fun. different but fun.
the job that i started last Nov. had their holiday party at the Four Season's.
tonight was nothing but horrible.
we should have mingled. but we didn't.
we should have hade a fun night. but we didn't.
we should be laying together right now. but we aren't.

i haven't been this angry in quite sometime.

i love you mann.
i am so GOD DAMN IN love with you it makes me less like a cynical asshole and more like a hopeful twat with great dreams.


so here i am.
alone at midnight on a friday night.
wishing that i was naked and rolling around with tyler.



so here i am alone.


++